Giving Feedback Is Tough. Here Are 9 Ways to Do It Without Hurting Feelings.

My Most Confusing F*** Up

I thought I had a great relationship with Marie. She had been in our office for just a few months, but I knew her in her previous role in a different office (which had some prestige to it). I thought we were friends who trusted and respected each other. We had even talked about how much we both valued feedback and how much we wanted to receive feedback because it was the only way we could get better.

So, when we were in a staff meeting, and Marie again brought up her former role, I looked over and saw two of my friends look at each other and roll their eyes.

Uh-oh, I thought. I had heard them complain about this before during our carpool rides.

Well, I’ll let her know, I thought to myself confidently.

And I did. I told her that some people in the office were feeling annoyed with how often she brought up her former office because it had the potential to seem “holier than thou.” In the moment, she didn’t respond as well as I expected… I mean, she told me explicitly that she wanted feedback. I’m giving her feedback, and honesty is the best policy, right? So why did that feel so weird?

I felt a little unnerved but went back to my office. About 10 min later an email pops into my inbox from Marie. It was written to the whole office. It read like a stream-of-consciousness ramble – almost a parody of itself, “deeply apologizing” to anybody who felt any kind of offense. And of course, she included all kinds of excuses, reasons, defenses – rationalizing all of the positive intent she had in bringing up her old office – and swearing on her child’s life (ok, maybe not quite that dramatic) – but swearing she would NEVER do it again.

Sigh.

W.T.F.

Of course, several co-workers wrote back (gotta love that “reply all”!!!!) professing that they were never bothered by it, and she did nothing wrong, and how AWFUL that she was being “made to feel bad about it.”

And, of course, she took that feedback in very well. “I guess they don’t have a problem with it – so it’s just you.”

Yikes. Now – I do not think Marie handled the situation very maturely. Obviously, her feelings were hurt, and it manifested in unfortunate behaviors that shocked and confused me. But believe it or not – this blog is not about Marie’s behavior – it is about mine.

And I want to share with you how you can avoid some of the mistakes that I made with Marie (and probably many others earlier in my career).

Feedback is a gift, so why is it so hard to give and receive?

Because feedback maaaatters. Imagine picking up a bow and arrow for the first time, shooting off an arrow, and not seeing where it landed. Nobody tells you where to aim, or how close you were to the mark. You’re not even sure where the mark is. How likely are you to improve your performance? Yeah – not too much!

We can all accept that feedback is critical to having a high-performance culture. Of course it is. And yet – most of us feel like we suck at it. We suck at giving it, and we suck at receiving it. And the more we suck at it, the less we tend to do it. And when we don’t give feedback, we find ourselves dealing with performance that doesn’t improve much, relationships that slowly (or quickly) deteriorate, and a culture of withholding – which in some cases is incredibly dangerous.

There are lots of reasons that feedback can be hard to give and receive – but the biggest reason is fear. As humans, we often fear (unhealthy) conflict, rejection, and embarrassment – we don’t like feeling bad about ourselves. Our brain actually has its own psychological defense system against feeling bad about ourselves.

We tend to have fears that somebody will take our feedback personally, get upset, or feel like we’re innately criticizing who they are as a person.

Research has shown that only 18% of employees receive feedback about their communication skills, but 97% of employees believe communication impacts their daily job performance.

So much of being a leader is about building healthy relationships, not just with your team, but across the organization. Without trust, feedback feels like judgment. You always want to think about your relationships with your team and how you can strengthen those as you plan to give feedback.

If you want to learn how to effectively give – and receive – feedback, check out our new, self-paced Digital Leadership Catalyst program.

9 Guideposts to Minimize Hurt Feelings When Giving Feedback

1.) When you give me feedback, it tells me more about you than it tells me about me.

“We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.”

Anaïs Nin

We all like to think of ourselves as good judges of character. And we also tend to overestimate how often people agree with our way of seeing the world. But truthfully, you see the world through all of your filters, biases and lenses. And truly – how you feel about yourself colors how you experience other people’s behavior. Let’s say that subconsciously you question your competence regularly, because when you were growing up, even an A- felt like it was “not good enough.” This becomes a lens through which you experience the world. So when you see your co-worker, Jennifer, get really excited and feel proud about her promotion, your brain doesn’t see her actual vulnerability, your brain just thinks she’s showing off, and feeling superior to you. Now, you’re annoyed by her behavior. But – “What bugs me about you is really about me.” When somebody else’s behavior bothers you – when it creates even a minor irritation – it’s actually triggering an insecurity within you.

“What bugs me about you is really about me.”When somebody else’s behavior bothers you – when it creates even a minor irritation – it’s actually triggering an insecurity within you. Click To Tweet

If you give feedback to somebody like it is an ultimate “objective” truth – you are far more likely to hurt feelings, because there’s no self-accountability. This is where people get confused about being “honest” – are you being honest if you’re not owning your own truth?

One of the most important things is to own your own opinions and perspectives. One of the many mistakes I made in giving feedback to Marie is that I was expressing to her what other people thought. This immediately triggers most people – and understandably so! How have you felt whenever you have heard that people were talking about you, rather than to you? Which brings me to this next point.

2.) Speak about your personal experience (“I Language”) vs. a universal truth.

“A lot of problems would disappear in the world if we talked to each other instead of about each other.”

Zig Ziglar

If you giving feedback to somebody actually tells them more about you than it does about them, then own it.

I’ll give you a silly example of how much this can matter. I’m a big fan of the Back to the Future series, and I loved the second film. How awesome too, that “the future” was now almost 7 years ago?? Crazy….

Anyway, when the topic came up, I used to proclaim with confidence that “The second one was better than the first one.” And, as you can imagine, that would sometimes trigger debates – as some people felt that the 3^rd one was better, and many were all about the original.

But what was I actually saying? Was I making some claim about the quality of film making or box-office numbers? In my case, no I wasn’t – I was simply stating my opinion. So, the more accurate thing to say is, “I liked the second one the best.” “I language” – I am owning my feelings and opinions as my own.

So if you want to give feedback to somebody – don’t ever make it about other people’s stuff. If others are triangulating to you about this person – you can put a stop to it and invite them to have an honest, open, and authentic conversation with that person directly.

But most importantly, only give feedback that is based on your own personal experience. And recognize that even if you experienced Jennifer as “showing off” – that’s not everybody’s experience. Some people weren’t bothered at all (just like not everybody was bothered by Marie consistently bringing up her old office). The other benefit to using “I language” and speaking for yourself, is that you can focus in on your own feelings (and I mean actual emotions here, ya’ll). None of that “you made me feel” crap either: Own. Your. Feelings.

“I noticed I felt insecure when you were celebrating your promotion because it’s a goal I haven’t hit yet myself.”

Now – this is feedback that clearly tells Jennifer more about you than it tells her about her – and that is useful for her. If she cares about you as a person at all, she will hear that, she will understand and know you more, and she can choose to take that information and modify her interactions with you in the future.

Most of the time, when somebody does something, it’s not with the intention of hurting a person. That doesn’t “make it ok” – it’s just important and useful to assume that somebody had positive intent in their behavior. It will make your delivery far less likely to hurt feelings.

And speaking of intentions….

3.) Clarify your highest intention.

“When your intention is clear, so is the way.”

Alan Cohen

One way to reduce the likelihood of hurting feelings when giving feedback is to clarify your own intention with yourself. In giving this person feedback, what is your intention? Find your purest intention.

One way to reduce the likelihood of hurting feelings when giving feedback is to clarify your own intention with yourself. In giving this person feedback, what is your intention? Click To Tweet

Maybe you’ve seen Joe interact with others and he just has a harsh edge to him. You’ve been there for tough interactions and witnessed the looks and whispers when he walked away. So maybe one of your intentions is to “protect” other people. (Don’t forget #’s 1-2 above – always speak for yourself if you want to reduce hurt feelings.)

But back to intentions – one intention is to “protect” the people from Joe. What is your highest intention for Joe, himself? Do you want Joe to continue this behavior pattern where people are whispering about him and not being honest with him? Do you want Joe to continue to “rub people the wrong way?”

Probably, your highest intention for Joe is to help him be more effective by helping him to be more empathic, more compassionate, and connecting more easily with others. If you can’t find this pure intention for Joe himself – you will likely hurt his feelings when you give feedback (even if his reaction is apathy – that is its own defense mechanism to avoid feeling hurt feelings).

When you feel clear about your own highest intention, it will feel easier for you to have the conversation. You can even be explicit about your intention for the conversation – and in doing so, you can find out if that’s also something they want for themselves. Which brings me to the next guidepost…

4.) Get permission.

“It may be easier to get forgiveness than permission, but trust is harder to get back than both.”

Ingrid Weir

This is actually one thing I did do when I gave Marie feedback. I had received permission from her to give her feedback (and I reciprocated). However, in that moment, I actually can’t remember if I teed it up with permission. This matters for a couple reasons.

First, when you ask somebody for permission to offer them feedback, it shows that you respect them enough to get their buy-in to the experience you’re about to create.

When you ask somebody for permission to offer them feedback, it shows that you respect them enough to get their buy-in to the experience you’re about to create. Click To Tweet

Second, when somebody has just given you permission to give them feedback, research has shown they are less likely to respond defensively and they are more likely to be receptive. They might still have a physiological reaction like most people do when they hear that question: “Can I offer you some feedback?”

But if you’re clear about your highest intention, you’re prepared to speak for yourself, and you know that your experience is simply your own, you’re already light years ahead of most people who want to be effective at giving feedback.

And, when you’re open and honest about your intention, you can also find out if that is their intention as well. If you know right away that you are both on the same page, then you’re more likely to build trust in the interaction. Which brings us to the next guidepost.

5.) Build trust.

“Feedback is a gift only when it comes from a person who has earned your trust.”

Gary Chapman

Trust is multi-faceted and complex. Stephen Covey describes trust in competence and trust in character. Both are valuable for feedback. Trust in competence suggests that the person you are giving feedback to trusts you as a valuable source of feedback. If, for example, you have never run your own business, but you are giving somebody feedback about how you think they should monetize their business, they may not trust your feedback because they don’t see you as competent in entrepreneurship.

Character, on the other hand, is mostly about: Do I trust that this person has my best interest at heart?

So – do you? When you think about giving feedback to somebody, do you genuinely have their best interest at heart? What are their interests? What do they care about? What do they want for themselves? How well do you know this person?

Sometimes, if you’re struggling to answer any of these questions – coming straight out with feedback is not the most effective plan. A more authentic approach would be to express your highest intention: “I’d like to get to know you more and have the kind of relationship where we can be open with each other.”

If this does not feel true for you – do NOT express it until it is true. Find that highest intention and use it to build trust with this person.

Let’s go back to our example with Jennifer (who you thought was showing off about her promotion). If you know that one thing she really cares about in her new role is being approachable, perhaps you can let her know that in that moment, it felt harder for you to approach her (remember – own your own experience). You can let her know that her intentions might better align with her impact (on you) if she also expresses humility. If you have followed all the guideposts so far, you are far less likely to hurt her feelings in expressing this feedback to her.

And, you may notice that the feedback suggestion above was not just about the past, but actually offered a suggestion to Jennifer – which brings me to the next guidepost.

6.) Feedforward: What do you want from them?

“We can change the future. We can’t change the past.”

Marshall Goldsmith

Sometimes feelings are hurt because the feedback people receive doesn’t seem actionable – it just feels like a judgment (more on that later).

Sometimes feelings are hurt because the feedback people receive doesn’t seem actionable – it just feels like a judgment. Click To Tweet

So, take the extra time to think for yourself about what you want from them. And yes – you’re still owning this. It’s not about finding out what other people want from them – this is from you. What do you want from them, or what do you want them to do differently in the future?

When I work with clients, this is often met initially with “I don’t know” – but when I invite them to think about it for another few seconds, they identify what they want. I write about this in much more detail in my blog post about a communication tool called FRIC . The “R” in FRIC is for request – make a request.

When you formulate a request, you are giving them specific guidance and information that can help them be more effective in their relationship with you.

The “I” in FRIC is Inquiry – which brings me to the next guidepost…

7.) Every situation is co-created; Inquire about your part.

“The choices we make every minute of every day can contribute to making someone’s life a little bit better or worse, even without intending it to.”

Chikamso Efobi

Following any request, make an inquiry. The inquiry is basically always the same: What can I do to make it easier for you to honor my request?”

It’s rare that you’ll actually ask it that way, of course. You’ll probably use language specific to the request: “How can I make it easier for you to be open with me?” for example.

This inquiry recognizes the critical importance of co-creation. Every single situation you are in, you are co-creating. Through your action and your inaction, you are contributing to it being exactly how it is. So, if you’d like it to be different, you can make a request – and if you want to build trust and minimize hurt feelings, you’re going to jump in and say hey, This is you and me on the same side working toward a solution.

You are asking the other person to give you feedback. If there is anything unsatisfactory about your interactions, work product, relationships, etc. with this person – perhaps they can request something of you that will also help you get what you’re looking for.

This “we’re in it together” vibe significantly decreases the likelihood that people will have hurt feelings, and significantly increase the amount of openness and honesty between the two of you – making future feedback conversations easier and easier.

8.) Be empathic and compassionate.

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

Brad Meltzer

The most common reason that feelings get hurt when receiving feedback is judgment. If you are giving feedback to somebody, and judging them for it, everything about your energy and non-verbals will be giving you away.

Let’s say for example, you were raised to be very “on-time.” “Early is on-time and on-time is late!” was a thing you heard your dad say almost every day.

Then, black and white thinking settles in, and now being on-time (early) is “good” and being late is “bad.” So when a co-worker is late repeatedly, you find yourself thinking:

What is wrong with this person that she keeps showing up late? What is her problem?

And then you decide, Well, I’m going to give her feedback, it’s for her own good.

But you’re still sitting in judgment of them. And your feedback is coming from a place of looking down on them, and looking at them like they are “not good enough.”

This is one of the most hurtful ways we can communicate as humans, and unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Many people confuse having a clear boundary with judging. For example, if you feel like it is “not ok” for somebody to be late, you might feel like you “need” your judgment to show how “not ok” it is for somebody to be late.

But your judgment probably will hurt that person’s feelings.

Empathy is about understanding the other person’s experience, and compassion is about a corresponding desire to help.

What if they weren’t raised in a strict “on-time” environment? In fact, what if they were raised by somebody like my 3^rd grade teacher, who inexplicably told a class of 8 and 9 year-olds that if an event starts at 3, and you arrive at 3:50, you’re not late, because it’s still 3!” (My parents were not happy about that, btw…)

What if they’re late regularly because her child was just diagnosed with an illness, and each morning, she’s taking extra time to be with him and give him his medicines, and help him with his morning routine, which is taking longer now.

Buuuut – you don’t know any of that, and you come barreling in with judgment in your voice as you “give feedback.” That obviously isn’t going to work well.

And – granted – most of the time people don’t have some really obvious and seemingly external reason for their actions like that – but no matter what is going on for them – you can always, as a human, find the part of you that has also felt that way, if even for a moment in time.

Now – boundaries can exist without judgment. You can decide what is “ok” and “not ok” when it comes to how things work for you, and you can express that (try requesting it using the FRIC model I alluded to above) calmly and with compassion for whatever their situation is. In fact, when you express a desire to better know and understand them, it will be easier for you to show compassion and you’ll also build trust.

Plus – any time you feel judgment of others, it’s actually rooted in your own shame – so it’s one more way that “what bugs me about you is really about me.” In this example, growing up, you would feel shame if you were ever late, so your judgment about others who are late is born in your own personal shame. This is true, even when the origin story is not as obvious. This is why self-awareness is critical – always. 

9.) Express true appreciation.

“Appreciation is the currency of success.”

Shaka Smart

I’m not a fan of the compliment sandwich for a lot of reasons. It could be its own blog post, really (comment below if you want me to write that blog). That’s the “say something nice, give the hard feedback, then say something nice” sandwich, where the actual feedback is sandwiched between positive sentiments.

It doesn’t actually work very well – but I will pull out the most important lesson from the compliment sandwich. Notice that the positive sentiments are double the “negative” (hopefully constructive) sentiments.

Taking the time to appreciate the person – completely independent of giving “hard” feedback – will take you far. But only if it is genuine and authentic. Always find a way to appreciate a person. In the Digital Leadership Catalyst, we emphasize the importance of appreciation and recognition in inspiring engagement and getting the most out of your team.  If you cannot conjure up any appreciation for a person, do not try to give them feedback.

You have fallen into a “you vs. me” place whether you realize it or not, and your feedback will almost definitely hurt feelings.

You may want to go back to an earlier guidepost like building or re-building trust, and reconnecting with the person – that is, if you want to. Find that highest intention.

And then appreciate people. Appreciate them, even if they are doing “exactly what they’re supposed to do” – appreciate them for who they are – let them know the positive ways that who they are and what they do impacts you. And do it every opportunity you see. It is quality more than quantity – so it doesn’t have to take a lot of time, just lots of genuine moments.

When those build up, it will be so much easier for you to make a request or share honest feedback from your own experience that will help that person grow, and/or help your relationship with them.

Don’t Stop Believin’

Feedback really is a gift. And it’s the breakfast of champions. And whatever other cliché you want to throw out – there is a reason those sayings exist.

Don’t give up on the idea of giving feedback just because it doesn’t always go as well as you like. In fact, you can ask for feedback on how you give feedback, and just remember, not everybody will have the same answer because their feedback to you will tell you more about them than it tells you about yourself. And that is useful. Because you can use that information to improve how you work with, communicate with, collaborate with, and co-create with that person.

Life is all about relationships, so of course, feedback is as well. Focus there first. Always.

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